there are a few things in life that make me cry. some of which include watching white fang, boys who let me go to taiwan, the death of my dog Tanner, and the day that i said goodbye to my old nanny kid. for the privacy of this same ex nanny kid, i try to be pretty candid about my life and experiences while working with her and her family, however, i feel no apprehension expressing my feelings and emotions about her and sharing some of the experiences that we have had recently.
this past weekend I had the chance to go with the family to Montana, a land where you will see a taxidermy on just about on every street corner and find yourself talking with a hick accent saying things like howdy and ain't. it was fun to hangout with my ex nanny kid in the same way that we used to. she still looks to me to figure out how to act, asks me if she can have candy or go outside or whatever she needs to do, when she gets hurt she runs to me, i have no problems telling her i love her, but realize that it is important for her to know how lucky she is to have so many wonderful people in her life that love her such as me, her new nanny, her family, etc. i think about how curious it must be for a child to develop so many attachments to people and see them dissolve. i believe it is for this purpose that when i left her i cried so much because the reality of it is that i can't be her mother, i was just her nanny. but with being her nanny, i developed a strong love for her as i served her and acted as a mother would act towards a child.
as we were sitting and playing with linkin logs sunday morning i was singing. she used to tell me "you have a funny singing voice" to tease me, but this time around she started to cry and she looked at me and said "i miss you singing." it just about broke my heart. the reality of the situation is that i love this girl very much and she means the world to me but understanding this love just makes me realize the capacity for a mother to love a child is so much stronger then even i can understand. i think that perhaps one day, when i have my own family i will understand this love more. i realize every trip that i go on that by giving up my job, i gave up a ton of opportunities to see the world and to do great things, but perhaps as cool as that job was, even better things are in store for me. one day when i am quite grown up, having a family of my own will be the biggest blessing of all.
Pics from the ranch in Montana:
